The adventures of Hazama the fetus
by Gondorminium
Summary: Hazamana, having achieved some victory or something does some stuff. Then suddenly, M*A*S*H 4077! Will Dr. Mary Sue survive the grasp of the moose king? Doubtful!
1. Chapter 1: The curse of the moosegod

The adventures of Hazama the mutant demon fetus god

A/N: I am a complete fagget.

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Chapter 1: Curse of the moose-god

Fetus-Hazama sat in the devastation around him. He had victory'd over his enemies, who lay dead at his feet. After humping their corpses for a while, he grew bored of his ultimate power and forgot his villainous motive. It was something to do with.  
kidnapping a school? Why would he do that? Something about five of the seven deadly sins? That made no sense.

He sat there and realized he was coming out of a giant fetus. He was a fucking giant fetus.

"But why?" He thought. "Why am I a giant fetus?"

Perhaps he was cursed. Cursed by a power beyond comprehension.

Cursed by the moose-god.

* * *

A/N: plz rnr bclozx i m wnt attntn dont flam my slf exteem is loe!~11111111111!


	2. Chapter 2: Clinger does not die

Chapter 2: Clinger does not die in this chapter.

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An imposing figure sat on his throne, made from the index fingers of a trillion eleven-year old girls, which he had brutally, viciously and politely asked for from their mothers. He extended seven of his fifteen apricot coloured, smelling and tasting legs onto a footrest made of chewed bubblegum and used the rest to pleasure himself to the arousing nature of his clothes, which were adorned with glowing horse-cocks that shone with the fifty-six colours of the Martian rainbow. Then he reached for his champagne which was located in other dimension, and brought it back with his single tentacle, sculling it down his moose-like head, which he had stolen from a moose.

He was also a supporter of political indepedents, was completely yellow (except for his legs) and covered in moose fur and the blood of 101 earthworms.

He was far more than a moose. He was far more than a god.

He was the assistant manager of his local Bunnings Warehouse. Hardware store, and his name was "I see you (Theme from Avatar) By Leona Lewis". The moose-god was on sitting on the six-foot tall mountain of paperclips in front of him.

"Welcome to my world," I see you (Theme from Avatar) By Leona Lewis said.

The moose god was a man in his nineties, but looked like a man in his nineties, if by nineties you mean thirties. However if you take nineties for it's regular meaning, then it's a completely inaccurate description and a more accurate one would be that was a man in his thirties, with purple hair stretched to his armpits. If you stared at it long enough it looked like his arm pit hair and his head hair wear arm wrestling.

He was wearing no clothes, but where his penis should be was a moose antler instead.

"Well to be honest I see you (Theme from Avatar) By Leona Lewis, this is more of a strangely decorated office than a world," the moose-god replied.

"Yes, I suppose you're right. But I never leave these walls. I have no concept of what is beyond the door into my world. Sharks humping each other? I may never know, but I will always really, really hope that it's sharks humping each other." He pleasured himself slightly harder to this idea.

"If you want to know, I can tell you," the moose-god had said.

"No, there's no need. I shall gleam an insight from the clues of the employees who enter," the assistant manager said.

At this moment an employee entered. He was impossible to describe because nobody would be interested in describing him.

"Uh, scuse me Mr. By Leona Lewis, I've just got something you need to look over," he said, laying down a piece of paper onto what he thought was closest in function to a desk.

"Thank you very much Brian. Now go on, to the sea of humping sharks, a world I may never see, but will always hear in folklore of it's plenty," the assistant manager had replied. With this non sequitur, Brian just waved goodbye and exited through the door back in the hardware store.

"He's a complete faggot and I will fire him one day. Now then, back to business. I have here, your... thing," I see you (Theme from Avatar) By Leona Lewis said, holding a fat brown envelope with his tongue. "It took a couple of hours to get the welding done but then I realized it didn't have any metal in it so I bought it off the internet and shoved it in an envelope,"

"That's all right," the moose-god replied, taking the envelope. "I just need to know if it's turned up any results."

"Oh believe me it has. The perfect genetic match too. I thought it was wrong, but as it turns out, it's completely correct in every way I can and can't think of. There can't possibly be a better match,"

The moose-god thought back to his oldest foe. He would know that this was his doing, but he would not care, for soon, he would have his way with the world, then break up with it via SMS. Such was the type of man he was.

"Now you're mine," he said, opening the envelope. Inside was a calculator on it that had the number 800,815 keyed in. On the blocky digital display of the machine, it resembled the word "boobies". After a hearty laugh from the moose god, he rubbed it on his nipples and saw what the display had changed too.

The calculator now displayed the words "MARGARET HOULIHAN"

* * *

TO BE CONFLICTED


	3. Chapter 3: HAVE MY BABIES

Chapter 3: HAVE MY BABIES

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Colonel Sherman Potter messed around with his glasses in a manner more befitting to David Caruso. He was walking around the outside of the 4077 camp with an expression of unease on his face, because of the latest addition to the medical staff who he was personally touring around the camp. Because everyone else was too afraid to go near her. She was likable, charming, funny, beautiful, kind, generous, intelligent and selfless. And that's precisely the reason people avoided her like she was a website with a .cx domain. She was too perfect. Too likable. Too beautiful. Too intelligent. Too everything. She just made people feel uncomfortable, like they shouldn't even be near her. It was unbearable for everyone.

"So then, Doctor uh…" Colonel Potter fumbled around, forgetting her name.

"Dr. Mary Sue. Mary Sue Cantaloupe. Can i just say, im very excited to be helping these poor people? It's going to be wonderful giving people new leases on life" she said playing with her perfect black hair.

"Yes well… we certainly welcome your expertise. Sometimes it just feels like we don't have enough help when we're overwhelmed," Potter said.

Expertise wasn't the right word. God-like superpowers was a better one. Her medical record showed that she'd never lost a single patient. One time, she was operating on a man who's head came off during the operation and his heart exploded. Then his lungs ate themselves and his body caught fire. Then he was reduced to ashes which were eaten by dogs that were struck by lightning as they ran out of the hospital. Then the dogs were run over by a truck. And she'd still managed to save that mans life. When asked about it, the woman had just said "well it was hard but I persevered in the end because I cant stand the suffering of other people"

And she had an outstanding service record. Absolutely outstanding. Brilliance on and off the battlefield. She'd had a recommendation from two U.S. presidents and Winston Churchill. This wasn't even beginning to scratch the surface of her far too numerous accomplishments. She'd been elected as the pope of the catholic church but turned it down out of humility. She'd been a major league baseball player despite having breasts and a vagina. She had a black belt in six martial arts and seventy thousand million dollars in one of her hundreds of bank accounts which presumably held much more.

Despite this, she seemed to have lived a life of continous tragedy. When she was three her parents were killed in a car crash caused by vampires and a man with a beard who would keep coming back to haunt her until a final climactic fight on her eighteenth birthday. She had a boyfriend with incredibly good looks and thousands of similarities to popular fictional characters who was nearly as accomplished as she was, but he died in the same climactic fight as the bearded man. He was very popular in the school she went to, but she never was. They always called her names like "Mary GOO", or "SCARY sue" or "Fat faggot cunt face with fucking face of her fucking cunt". These girls making fun of her seemed to be the popular ones in her school, although it's impossible to understand why. Their records show nothing good about them except that they were physically attractive. So was Mary Sue, but in her high school years she apparently wore deliberately ugly glasses so that nobody would be too attracted too her and she'd have to break their hearts. Of course the entire school found out how attractive she was on her eighteenth birthday and those girls who had bullied her for her entire school life shut up and caught cancer the next day.

It was all very suspicious that cancer business. It made Potter think that Mary Sue might not be the perfect woman she appears to be. That she had a mysterious past of some sort. It would certainly fit with the rest of her backstory.

'I guess every tired cliche has to have some basis in reality' Potter thought to himself.

63. It was amazing this woman could say she was 63. She looked only 25, and dressed like it too, all decked out head to toe in the latest fashions. Her necklace glinted in the moonlight.

Moonlight. There was another strange thing. Why had she requested to be shown around at night? Despite the help she could obviously bring, Colonel Potter would be counting down the days until her five-month stay ended.

Small penises.

Now the pair were right near Major Burns' tent. No wonder the Colonel's mind had drifted to thoughts of tiny penises. Potter hadn't known him for as long as many of the others on the camp had, but he'd known him long enough to know that he had a tiny dick. It would explain why the camp was constantly woken up by the sound of Major Houlihan's laughing, and something that could vaguely be made out as "I'm sorry, I thought I'd get used to it but it's just so… tiny."

Voices could be heard from within the tent.

"What are those noises?" enquired Mary Sue.

"I would just ignore them. Now, let's continue,"

"No, those are definitely somebody's voices. It could be important and I think we should investigate" Mary Sue said. Despite her legendary intelligence, she'd always talk in that awkward way, like her words were written by a child. And she'd always make decisions like she was a child too. Colonel Potter had only known her for half an hour and could already tell this. And if she was going to interrupt people in their sleep or other activities, then it would certainly be entertaining to see how the rest of the camp would take to her.

Potter heard a scream from the tent as Mary Sue poked her head in. "Oh hi im mary sue" she said. It was as though you could hear a missing apostrophe in the sentence. "You two must've been making the voices. What wer u saying?" she asked.

He couldn't resist it. Potter had to peek through as well. Inside was the typical interior of Frank Burns' tent, and in the bed was Margaret Houlihan and Major Frank Burns, naked, staring with wide-eyed terror at the two heads poking into the tent, utterly speechless.

"Oh i see you must have been having sex don't let me disturb u" Mary Sue said, walking away from the tent, leaving Frank and Margaret in a state of shock. Potter followed suit and decided he'd have to have a word with Frank and Mary Sue about their behaviour.

"Well now, back to the tour, over there is-"

"No thanks, ive seen everything i wanted 2" she said, walking off to the bed that was allocated to her.

'I hope thats as strange as she'll get' thought Colonel Potter to himself.

He stood there mulling over the events in the middle of the camp alone, standing in the moonlight.

This would be a moment that would live in history.


End file.
